[He knows how much Xingchen's strength has also been impacted, but it seems unnecessary to point that out, so Xue Yang lets it go. He's bothered by the sigh, more than anything, frowning as he tries to think of the words he wants to say.]
[The stamps all seem to br in their proper place and the talismans are bundled up well for now, so Xingchen rests his hands in his lap, listening more closely now.
This is a side of Xue Yang he can't easily identify and yet it is familiar in its own way. Xue Yang was always so willing to help with anything while living in Yi City. Xingchen still can't wrap his mind around how much of that was genuine and how much was an act to further ruin him. But it still tugs at him.
Maybe...maybe some part of his nameless friend still resides within Xue Yang.]
[Clearly sounding upset, the denial comes easy anyway and Xue Yang shakes his head as if that could get rid of whatever's darkening his thoughts, smiling the kind of smile that does not reach his eyes as he speaks again.]
Wouldn't it be stupid, daozhang, if you thought anything good could come of me?
[Xingchen continues to listen, to pick up whatever audible tells he can. Xue Yang is upset, regardless of what he may say. He's defensive. Maybe he's putting up a front, but Xingchen isn't as confident in that assessment.
He picks at the hem of one of his sleeves. His clothes are newer, a necessity after his run-in with a werewolf left his previous robes a tattered mess. He's not thinking about that, though, just how to figure out this conversation without making things worse.]
Probably.
[He knows better. He's told himself this countless times. It doesn't seem to stick.]
Yet you've accused me of stupidity numerous times. Most recently just a few moments ago.
M-hm, so I have. Do you think it, then? Do you think that Xue Yang can be good?
[It is meant to come out mocking, because he does not want to hear the real answer. However, he does not quite manage to mask it, there is real emotion underneath that mocking and finally he just shakes his head, laughing in a way that does not sound amused.]
[That tone in Xue Yang's voice keeps Xingchen from answering quickly. If he isn't careful, they'll end up pushing themselves back a few steps. And it feels that even though they haven't made much progress in the way of helping Xue Yang be "good," there's still something that has happened between them.
He tilts his head and chews on his lower lip, thinking of the best approach to this.]
I think...that everyone has the potential for good, just as they have the potential for evil. I think if Xue Yang wanted to try, then he could.
[And Xingchen suspects he does, if the waver in his voice means anything. He wouldn't be so defensive if he didn't want something more.]
I think - I know we have hurt each other. That makes any of this difficult to deal with.
[His hands fiddle with his sleeve a moment longer, then still as he sighs.]
I know that it may not count for much, if anything, in the big picture, but Xue Yang made me laugh. He didn't have to do that, but he chose to.
[That is an easy thing to admit, somehow, when so many other admissions are impossible. He watches Xingchen, his mouth dry. Ah, yes. The difficulties.]
Nothing sounds better than your laugh.
[Of course, he knows he's more likely to cause him to cry these days. Whatever.]
Daozhang, since I'm being so nice, shouldn't you say something nice about me too? Wouldn't it be fair like that? Like, when I tell you that you are the most beautiful, what do you say?
[It is not as if he has ever embraced the concept of shame, so he sees no need to deny the accusation now.]
But isn't it only right for someone to go fishing when they risk starving otherwise? How else would I have fed myself, daozhang? Don't you know that I fished for food and any other necessity in Kuizhou in all the ways I could?
[His sigh is long-suffering, clearly exaggerated, and cut off with a giggle he manages to suppress.]
Ah, but even pastries are not as sweet as the words you could give me, daozhang~!
[There is no hesitation, it does not even occur to Xue Yang to hesitate for a moment. He leans forward, closer to Xingchen, his eyes on Xingchen's face, reading it the way he has for years. He does not need his eyes to do so, Xingchen's expression has always been easy to interpret.]
[He gives an acknowledging nod, then carefully raises his hands up the rest of the way until his fingertips find warm skin. Then he presses his hands more fully to Xie Yang's cheeks, just holding him there and getting a feel for the shape of his face.
Slowly he starts to move, thumbs brushing along cheekbones, index fingers reaching the edge of eye sockets.
Almost too familiar.
He explores Xue Yang's face in a way he never really has before, with careful consideration, frowning in concentration as he tries to reconcile this face beneath his fingers with the one in his memory.
One hand moves up to brush a thumb over his brows while the other hesitantly allows the fingertips to graze over his lips.]
Your features are sharp. Your expressions can be harsh when you want to frighten, but if you allow yourself to be more...calm, then you can be handsome. Charming.
You know that I want more than that. Why ask like that, is it to be cruel? Ah, daozhang, have I taught you too well? A tease.
[Xue Yang laughs and shakes his head, then he reaches for Xingchen's hands, threading their fingers together. He looks at him and he wonders if he can still feel it. He feels he must, as he looks at him with such intensity. As everything else in thw rold fades away.]
[He's honest, instead, though some may consider honesty to be cruel at times.
But he allows their hands to be joined, noticing that nub of Xue Yang's pinky where it should rest fully against his own. He feels the eyes upon him, as well. Xue Yang looks at him a lot, though, so this isn't new. A lot of this isn't new. The touching and the intimacy and mysterious force of the universe that keeps drawing them together.
No, it isn't hard to guess what Xue Yang wants. Xingchen has difficulty understanding him at times, yes, but he can also be...quite simple.
Like a child, really.
Still, there's a fluttering sensation in his gut as he answers and he dare not speak too loudly in case he's entirely wrong.]
[He says it right away, without hesitation, but his voice stays quiet as well, matching Xingchen's volume. It seems more precious this way. More intimate. The way it should be, because who else needs to know? Who else can ever understand?]
You have me.
[He gestures with his arms, but also produces a sound with his tongue to accompany it, conveying the meaning. This is simple, this is obvious. This makes sense.]
[He didn't want to part with him, obviously, but whatever. He's trying to not upset him. In a way. He knows he always will and sometimes he enjoys that he can, but for the moment?]
[Distracted him by being beautiful, he imagines is the excuse. Not that Xingchen feels beautiful in pretty much any aspect, but that's not something worth arguing with Xue Yang.
At least this way he can prepare himself to meet the other man come tomorrow instead of getting surprised by him. That's probably for the best.]
Mn. I will meet you then.
[He gathers up the rest of his belongings. Now he just has to figure out what to do with all these new feelings and revelations. How to get through his life.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'm just saying. I can help for you.
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This is a side of Xue Yang he can't easily identify and yet it is familiar in its own way. Xue Yang was always so willing to help with anything while living in Yi City. Xingchen still can't wrap his mind around how much of that was genuine and how much was an act to further ruin him. But it still tugs at him.
Maybe...maybe some part of his nameless friend still resides within Xue Yang.]
...I've upset you.
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[Clearly sounding upset, the denial comes easy anyway and Xue Yang shakes his head as if that could get rid of whatever's darkening his thoughts, smiling the kind of smile that does not reach his eyes as he speaks again.]
Wouldn't it be stupid, daozhang, if you thought anything good could come of me?
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He picks at the hem of one of his sleeves. His clothes are newer, a necessity after his run-in with a werewolf left his previous robes a tattered mess. He's not thinking about that, though, just how to figure out this conversation without making things worse.]
Probably.
[He knows better. He's told himself this countless times. It doesn't seem to stick.]
Yet you've accused me of stupidity numerous times. Most recently just a few moments ago.
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[It is meant to come out mocking, because he does not want to hear the real answer. However, he does not quite manage to mask it, there is real emotion underneath that mocking and finally he just shakes his head, laughing in a way that does not sound amused.]
Ah, I'm no good. Daozhang knows it well.
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He tilts his head and chews on his lower lip, thinking of the best approach to this.]
I think...that everyone has the potential for good, just as they have the potential for evil. I think if Xue Yang wanted to try, then he could.
[And Xingchen suspects he does, if the waver in his voice means anything. He wouldn't be so defensive if he didn't want something more.]
I think - I know we have hurt each other. That makes any of this difficult to deal with.
[His hands fiddle with his sleeve a moment longer, then still as he sighs.]
I know that it may not count for much, if anything, in the big picture, but Xue Yang made me laugh. He didn't have to do that, but he chose to.
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[That is an easy thing to admit, somehow, when so many other admissions are impossible. He watches Xingchen, his mouth dry. Ah, yes. The difficulties.]
Nothing sounds better than your laugh.
[Of course, he knows he's more likely to cause him to cry these days. Whatever.]
Daozhang, since I'm being so nice, shouldn't you say something nice about me too? Wouldn't it be fair like that? Like, when I tell you that you are the most beautiful, what do you say?
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[Like he did with Xue Yang. When he was happy enough.
And then the bigger compliment comes and Xingchen breathes out, trying his best to ignore the slight heat rising to his face.]
I would say you're fishing.
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[It is not as if he has ever embraced the concept of shame, so he sees no need to deny the accusation now.]
But isn't it only right for someone to go fishing when they risk starving otherwise? How else would I have fed myself, daozhang? Don't you know that I fished for food and any other necessity in Kuizhou in all the ways I could?
[His sigh is long-suffering, clearly exaggerated, and cut off with a giggle he manages to suppress.]
Ah, but even pastries are not as sweet as the words you could give me, daozhang~!
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You are clever. Resourceful. Resilient.
[Slowly, Xingchen raises his hands, holding them out at about chest height.]
Lean forward.
[He remembers what Xue Yang looks like, but memories fade with time, even important memories. He needs to build a fresh image in his mind.]
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I'm here, daozhang.
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Slowly he starts to move, thumbs brushing along cheekbones, index fingers reaching the edge of eye sockets.
Almost too familiar.
He explores Xue Yang's face in a way he never really has before, with careful consideration, frowning in concentration as he tries to reconcile this face beneath his fingers with the one in his memory.
One hand moves up to brush a thumb over his brows while the other hesitantly allows the fingertips to graze over his lips.]
Your features are sharp. Your expressions can be harsh when you want to frighten, but if you allow yourself to be more...calm, then you can be handsome. Charming.
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[He does know how to be charming, in his own way, but there has to be quite a treat at stake for him to go to the effort.]
The women at the brothels would say it too, but they had no sweets.
[Of considerable less interest.]
Daozhang, no one is beautiful like you. From you, just the words are sweet enough. I need no pastry to want to charm you.
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Mn. Those women sell sweets of a different nature.
[And nothing a young child would likely find appealing. Unless Xue Yang visited them as an adult? Xingchen doesn't dwell on that. It doesn't matter.
What matters is how Xue Yang very openly charms him. And how Xingchen doesn't hate it.]
What do you want, then? Just to look at me?
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[Xue Yang laughs and shakes his head, then he reaches for Xingchen's hands, threading their fingers together. He looks at him and he wonders if he can still feel it. He feels he must, as he looks at him with such intensity. As everything else in thw rold fades away.]
You know what I want. Don't you?
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[He's honest, instead, though some may consider honesty to be cruel at times.
But he allows their hands to be joined, noticing that nub of Xue Yang's pinky where it should rest fully against his own. He feels the eyes upon him, as well. Xue Yang looks at him a lot, though, so this isn't new. A lot of this isn't new. The touching and the intimacy and mysterious force of the universe that keeps drawing them together.
No, it isn't hard to guess what Xue Yang wants. Xingchen has difficulty understanding him at times, yes, but he can also be...quite simple.
Like a child, really.
Still, there's a fluttering sensation in his gut as he answers and he dare not speak too loudly in case he's entirely wrong.]
...You want...me.
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[He says it right away, without hesitation, but his voice stays quiet as well, matching Xingchen's volume. It seems more precious this way. More intimate. The way it should be, because who else needs to know? Who else can ever understand?]
You have me.
[He gestures with his arms, but also produces a sound with his tongue to accompany it, conveying the meaning. This is simple, this is obvious. This makes sense.]
Fair is fair.
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Thoughts race through his mind and he can do nothing but let them run their course.
Then why did you hurt me?
I shouldn't I shouldn't I shouldn't
This feels nice, to be liked and to like someone in turn.
He breathes in and he breathes out. What is he supposed to do?]
I see.
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[He didn't want to part with him, obviously, but whatever. He's trying to not upset him. In a way. He knows he always will and sometimes he enjoys that he can, but for the moment?]
It's late. You'll be tired otherwise.
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[He didn't think it was so late when he came out here, but maybe it was. Sometimes his internal clock doesn't work the way it should.]
Mn. Thank you. For your help.
[Xingchen rises to his feet, but then remembers something.]
How was your carving coming along?
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[He makes a vague sound that is accompanied by an equally vague gesture, then snorts.]
I'll get it to you tomorrow, daozhang. So you'll know to expect me. Won't that be nice? You won't have to miss me for long.
[The mockery in his voice is directed at himself rather than Xingchen, he does not believe the man ever misses him.]
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At least this way he can prepare himself to meet the other man come tomorrow instead of getting surprised by him. That's probably for the best.]
Mn. I will meet you then.
[He gathers up the rest of his belongings. Now he just has to figure out what to do with all these new feelings and revelations. How to get through his life.]