[For whatever reason, Xingchen had thought this would be the end of their conversation. The part of him that wants to hide away and suffer in silence, like a wounded animal crawling away into the forest, hopes it would be, but then he's still terribly lonely, even if he's seeking comfort in places he shouldn't.
But then Wei Wuxian speaks and there's something in his voice that makes Xingchen forget himself, a softness, a baring that he can't imagine is revealed to just anyone. He sits so still, despite the poison still in his body, and barely breathes, giving this man his due attention.
It's already been established they do not come from the same exact world or timeline or...or whatever has gone on to mix up their memories, leaving them unmatched, but he listens regardless. Some version of himself has inspired Wei Wuxian to make a sacrifice, so he's obligated to give him this at the very least. But almost immediately, Xingchen realizes he's in for a lot. To be told something so personal, so secret, details that pertain not just to Wei Wuxian, but to the people around him.
If what he says is true - and he has no reason to not believe this story, no matter how amazing it is - then that changes everything about how Wei Wuxian has been perceived. And there really is such a similarity between the two of them, a desire, a need to take care of someone they love, to fix them. It's frightening now that he's on the outside looking in. To give away his core like that... And to use the excuse of Baoshan Sanren and carry out something like that and disregard the danger...it's brilliant. It's terrifying.
Xingchen heaves out a breath and trails his hands up Wei Wuxian's arms, to his shoulders, hesitating to touch any further, but needing to just...hold.]
I...
[What is there to even say to all of that?
He breathes again to focus himself and starts over entirely, daring to ask something he doesn't deserve to know.]
Song-daozhang... He was well?
[That's all he wants to know. Song Lan wants nothing to do with him anymore and he respects that, but he at least wants to know he was some help in the end.]
cw: some body horror/torture? mentions? non-explicit
( He stays steady, receptive to his shishu's grip, not shying away from it though he has now made himself vulnerable in the way that means his quick, easy death, should Xingchen choose. This close, it'd be easy; neither of them properly on guard for this, nor the question that does come to Xiao Xingchen's lips.
Idiosyncrasies between them and their lives aside, there is no good ending for that question. There is only the truth, at the time of tellings. )
He was at that time. Years later, whatever the break between you, he'd been looking to find you. You were not uncared for, even by those you felt had broken off ties.
( And he can't say more, not without it being the other sad truth: that it was too late, back home, for either series of events. That Song Lan nearly died on his sword, that his tongue was pried free by Xue Yang, the nails driven in his head to render him a puppet so suffused with the energy of resentment and death that he was as irrevocably marked as Wen Ning.
That it was Song Lan who had to outsurvive Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing, to carry both swords out into the world. To hope for a miracle, in collecting the shattered shards of Xiao Xingchen's soul, so that he might, in decades, be able to reincarnate.
How it is unknown what state of wholeness Song Lan's own soul claims, just as Wen Ning. Two horrendously beautiful shadows of brilliant men. )
[The answer he receives is so much more than he could ever hope for. That Song Lan was well is relief enough, but that he still cared for Xingchen...and was looking for him...
He gasps in a few breaths, pulling a hand away to clutch at his chest, overwhelmed again. A tiny but genuine smile reaches his lips, though he feels a hot wetness start to leak from his eyes. Sniffling, he sits up a little straighter and slips his hand under the cloth, wiping at the blood before it gets out of control.]
I'm glad...I'm glad.
[It's as if a massive weight has been lifted from his shoulders, although he still misses Song Lan terribly and can't just forget everything that happened with Xue Yang. His life is still a mess and it's definitely going to take time for him to get back on his feet, metaphorically, but it seems just a little bit easier.
Taking a few moments to breathe more evenly and make sure he won't bleed more, Xingchen turns his focus back to Wei Wuxian. Everything he's confessed continues to float around his head, only some of it connecting and making sense, and he understands what he was trying to tell Xingchen. Sometimes actions taken with the best of intentions just end up making things worse and there's not necessarily anything they can do about it. He wonders, though. Song Lan obviously found out what Xingchen did, but Wei Wuxian's sacrifice was different.]
Does Sect Leader Jiang know? Does anyone except Wen Qing?
[If he has to keep it secret, he will. He understands the desire to keep such knowledge under wraps.]
( Wei Wuxian stays where he is, humming a note of acknowledgement. When it comes down to it, there's nothing more that needs saying. Enough he can't even know, between differences in the lives they've lived, and how much younger Xiao Xingchen is. It's... odd, really, but by now he's accepted that odd is the least of the things to think about people sharing a concept of a world, more or less.
It's the question that comes back around that has him breathe in, out, consider. )
Wen Qing, Lan Zhan. Lan Sizhui, most likely. Jiang Cheng should know, but... for whatever impossibilities have happened, he's from a time before he learned. I plan to tell him, sooner rather than later. The road here didn't seem a wise place, then there's been this poisoning—there are excuses enough for why I delay.
( Point acknowledged, that they're excuses, but he's not looking forward to this conversation again. )
[He pulls his hand from his eyes, certain there is blood on his fingers, but that's not important right now. He rests that hand on his lap; he'll deal with it later. But Wei Wuxian is still right in front of him, giving his explanation, and Xingchen can't find fault with his delay.]
It isn't as easy to say as it should be. I don't know if you agree, but...in a way, it might have been easier to take matters into one's own hands, as desperate as they may have been.
[Xingchen was not in Wei Wuxian's shoes, not exactly, and he can't imagine what it was like to witness the destruction of the Jiang Sect and an entire life he knew. But he knows that drive to try and fix even one thing, the adrenaline pumping through his body, ruling out even the fear and the consequences that would hound him afterward. He knows what it's like to love someone so much, even more than himself.
He gives Wei Wuxian's shoulder a little squeeze.]
I understand. I won't say anything. But if you need me afterward...in case he responds with anger...
It was easier on us. We took that choice away from them, because it's what we wanted to do, shishu. It doesn't make us right. It doesn't mean we regret it, either.
( Saying he does or doesn't agree, it's not that easy. Just as the decision to act was easier than seeking the permission, the convincing, the arguments for what they felt was better, inevitable, for the best. )
... He was. I ensured he drank one of what you just had, too. As for the rest... thank you.
( For making the offer. For... something he hears very little of, in his life, when it comes to the breakdown and failings of the relationships he holds so dear. )
[It isn't something he thinks about very much, having taken the choice away from Song Lan, but...it's not untrue. Wei Wuxian also isn't wrong when he says they don't necessarily regret their actions. Xiao Xingchen would do it again in a heartbeat if he had to, even knowing the pain he'd suffer, both physically and otherwise.]
But we can't take it back, even if we wanted to.
[Time only moves forward and once decisions like this are made, they can only go along with that flow and face whatever is thrown back at them. But Xingchen nods in acknowledgment of everything, glad that Jiang Cheng is also on his way to recovery so Wei Wuxian is one step closer to clearing up the truth. He doesn't envy the man for that situation, but if it's necessary...
Gently, Xingchen raises his hand from Wei Wuxian's shoulder, finding his cheek. Maybe this is foolish, maybe he's still trusting people when he shouldn't, even after all the hurt he's been through because of it. His voice is soft when he speaks, genuine.]
You're my shizhi.
[He pulls his hand away, finally freeing Wei Wuxian from his physical presence, though he falls silent at the offer for company. Really, he wants to be alone, to sort out his roiling emotions after all these revelations. And he's tired, even this much activity - though he only got out of bed to meet Wei Wuxian like this - has left him feeling more fatigued than he has in years. It would be nice if the treatment fought off this poison by the end of the night, but he knows, realistically, it will probably take longer. He needs to rest so that when he does regain his strength, he'll be able to function almost as if things were back to normal.
And yet. He has someone right here who really seems to care about his wellbeing, someone whom he's just claimed as family, at his knees. He needs to rest, yes, but doesn't he also need to not seclude himself so much because of his emotional turmoil? Everything is a contradiction. He wants everything and nothing. But in the end, he makes up his mind.]
( it strikes, in a way he didn't expect, to be claimed as relation. different from sizhui calling to him as someone familiar, when his memories returned; that had been a deep strike, to the heart of him in a way he had no way to prepare for. a return of something lost. an impossible truth that had been more gladdening than near every single thing he'd learned since coming back to a world that hated him no less than when he'd died.
this, however, still strikes; still draws blood. he breathes in, sharp, and it's the only response he has. enough perhaps for xiao xingchen, who is as much an orphan with found martial family as he had been, adopted in by a clan that had been slaughtered by those who believed power meant to hold sway over all. cruelty for the sake of reigning high.
but it is worse, in ways, to have a hand at his cheek. because that too is a kindness rarely given. so rarely, and so unexpected here.
if xingchen feels something hot touch his hand, wei wuxian says nothing about it. sometimes he cries, and that's fine, too. he doesn't need to call attention to it, or to why, or anything of the sort. just say, at least, following that silence of consideration: )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But then Wei Wuxian speaks and there's something in his voice that makes Xingchen forget himself, a softness, a baring that he can't imagine is revealed to just anyone. He sits so still, despite the poison still in his body, and barely breathes, giving this man his due attention.
It's already been established they do not come from the same exact world or timeline or...or whatever has gone on to mix up their memories, leaving them unmatched, but he listens regardless. Some version of himself has inspired Wei Wuxian to make a sacrifice, so he's obligated to give him this at the very least. But almost immediately, Xingchen realizes he's in for a lot. To be told something so personal, so secret, details that pertain not just to Wei Wuxian, but to the people around him.
If what he says is true - and he has no reason to not believe this story, no matter how amazing it is - then that changes everything about how Wei Wuxian has been perceived. And there really is such a similarity between the two of them, a desire, a need to take care of someone they love, to fix them. It's frightening now that he's on the outside looking in. To give away his core like that... And to use the excuse of Baoshan Sanren and carry out something like that and disregard the danger...it's brilliant. It's terrifying.
Xingchen heaves out a breath and trails his hands up Wei Wuxian's arms, to his shoulders, hesitating to touch any further, but needing to just...hold.]
I...
[What is there to even say to all of that?
He breathes again to focus himself and starts over entirely, daring to ask something he doesn't deserve to know.]
Song-daozhang... He was well?
[That's all he wants to know. Song Lan wants nothing to do with him anymore and he respects that, but he at least wants to know he was some help in the end.]
cw: some body horror/torture? mentions? non-explicit
Idiosyncrasies between them and their lives aside, there is no good ending for that question. There is only the truth, at the time of tellings. )
He was at that time. Years later, whatever the break between you, he'd been looking to find you. You were not uncared for, even by those you felt had broken off ties.
( And he can't say more, not without it being the other sad truth: that it was too late, back home, for either series of events. That Song Lan nearly died on his sword, that his tongue was pried free by Xue Yang, the nails driven in his head to render him a puppet so suffused with the energy of resentment and death that he was as irrevocably marked as Wen Ning.
That it was Song Lan who had to outsurvive Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing, to carry both swords out into the world. To hope for a miracle, in collecting the shattered shards of Xiao Xingchen's soul, so that he might, in decades, be able to reincarnate.
How it is unknown what state of wholeness Song Lan's own soul claims, just as Wen Ning. Two horrendously beautiful shadows of brilliant men. )
no subject
He gasps in a few breaths, pulling a hand away to clutch at his chest, overwhelmed again. A tiny but genuine smile reaches his lips, though he feels a hot wetness start to leak from his eyes. Sniffling, he sits up a little straighter and slips his hand under the cloth, wiping at the blood before it gets out of control.]
I'm glad...I'm glad.
[It's as if a massive weight has been lifted from his shoulders, although he still misses Song Lan terribly and can't just forget everything that happened with Xue Yang. His life is still a mess and it's definitely going to take time for him to get back on his feet, metaphorically, but it seems just a little bit easier.
Taking a few moments to breathe more evenly and make sure he won't bleed more, Xingchen turns his focus back to Wei Wuxian. Everything he's confessed continues to float around his head, only some of it connecting and making sense, and he understands what he was trying to tell Xingchen. Sometimes actions taken with the best of intentions just end up making things worse and there's not necessarily anything they can do about it. He wonders, though. Song Lan obviously found out what Xingchen did, but Wei Wuxian's sacrifice was different.]
Does Sect Leader Jiang know? Does anyone except Wen Qing?
[If he has to keep it secret, he will. He understands the desire to keep such knowledge under wraps.]
no subject
It's the question that comes back around that has him breathe in, out, consider. )
Wen Qing, Lan Zhan. Lan Sizhui, most likely. Jiang Cheng should know, but... for whatever impossibilities have happened, he's from a time before he learned. I plan to tell him, sooner rather than later. The road here didn't seem a wise place, then there's been this poisoning—there are excuses enough for why I delay.
( Point acknowledged, that they're excuses, but he's not looking forward to this conversation again. )
no subject
It isn't as easy to say as it should be. I don't know if you agree, but...in a way, it might have been easier to take matters into one's own hands, as desperate as they may have been.
[Xingchen was not in Wei Wuxian's shoes, not exactly, and he can't imagine what it was like to witness the destruction of the Jiang Sect and an entire life he knew. But he knows that drive to try and fix even one thing, the adrenaline pumping through his body, ruling out even the fear and the consequences that would hound him afterward. He knows what it's like to love someone so much, even more than himself.
He gives Wei Wuxian's shoulder a little squeeze.]
I understand. I won't say anything. But if you need me afterward...in case he responds with anger...
[Because he knows that, too.]
Was he also poisoned?
no subject
( Saying he does or doesn't agree, it's not that easy. Just as the decision to act was easier than seeking the permission, the convincing, the arguments for what they felt was better, inevitable, for the best. )
... He was. I ensured he drank one of what you just had, too. As for the rest... thank you.
( For making the offer. For... something he hears very little of, in his life, when it comes to the breakdown and failings of the relationships he holds so dear. )
Did you want me to stay for a while?
no subject
But we can't take it back, even if we wanted to.
[Time only moves forward and once decisions like this are made, they can only go along with that flow and face whatever is thrown back at them. But Xingchen nods in acknowledgment of everything, glad that Jiang Cheng is also on his way to recovery so Wei Wuxian is one step closer to clearing up the truth. He doesn't envy the man for that situation, but if it's necessary...
Gently, Xingchen raises his hand from Wei Wuxian's shoulder, finding his cheek. Maybe this is foolish, maybe he's still trusting people when he shouldn't, even after all the hurt he's been through because of it. His voice is soft when he speaks, genuine.]
You're my shizhi.
[He pulls his hand away, finally freeing Wei Wuxian from his physical presence, though he falls silent at the offer for company. Really, he wants to be alone, to sort out his roiling emotions after all these revelations. And he's tired, even this much activity - though he only got out of bed to meet Wei Wuxian like this - has left him feeling more fatigued than he has in years. It would be nice if the treatment fought off this poison by the end of the night, but he knows, realistically, it will probably take longer. He needs to rest so that when he does regain his strength, he'll be able to function almost as if things were back to normal.
And yet. He has someone right here who really seems to care about his wellbeing, someone whom he's just claimed as family, at his knees. He needs to rest, yes, but doesn't he also need to not seclude himself so much because of his emotional turmoil? Everything is a contradiction. He wants everything and nothing. But in the end, he makes up his mind.]
Do you...have a few moments to spare?
no subject
this, however, still strikes; still draws blood. he breathes in, sharp, and it's the only response he has. enough perhaps for xiao xingchen, who is as much an orphan with found martial family as he had been, adopted in by a clan that had been slaughtered by those who believed power meant to hold sway over all. cruelty for the sake of reigning high.
but it is worse, in ways, to have a hand at his cheek. because that too is a kindness rarely given. so rarely, and so unexpected here.
if xingchen feels something hot touch his hand, wei wuxian says nothing about it. sometimes he cries, and that's fine, too. he doesn't need to call attention to it, or to why, or anything of the sort. just say, at least, following that silence of consideration: )
Of course, shishu. However many you'd like.
( conversely, however few. )