[Rather than outraged, Xue Yang ends up sounding almost confused, as if it was unfathomable to consider how this would ever not be of his concern.]
I know it's that pervert. He likes tying handsome men up for very little reason, did you know about that?
[All of those claims are not exactly fabricated or falsified, but definitely misrepresented, but Xue Yang has decided that it's close enough to the truth. Leaning in a little, he lowers his voice.]
[Xue Yang's words make Xingchen uncomfortable. He can't imagine Xie Lian doing anything against someone else's will, but neither is this the time or place for Xue Yang to seriously suggest doing the same. And yet, he's surprised that Xue Yang doesn't sound exactly angry about the whole situation.
Is he...jealous?
Not that it makes anything better. Not that Xingchen intends to take advantage of that. But it starts to make Xue Yang a little more predictable, for once, like Xingchen can understand how he thinks a little better.]
I'm not curious.
[He starts to tug at his hands, trying to break free, though not expecting Xue Yang to make it easy.]
[For just a moment he tightens his grip, crossing the line over into painfully so, then he relaxes again, but accompanies it with a hissed warning.]
Stop fussing! You'll make people look and then I'll kill them.
[Somehow he manages to make that sound like a logical consequence rather than a threat and maybe that is what it is in his head. Either way, he sees a correlation.]
If you kiss him, you have to kiss me too. More so, as it matters more to me.
[His logic continues on, easily leaving behind most everyone else.]
[Consequence or threat, Xingchen does stop. If he has the ability to keep Xue Yang from killing anyone, then he'll use it, even at his own expense. And yet, he's curious. Xue Yang has laid out his demand and Xingchen could very easily give into it. He would be appeased on some level. Maybe not entirely, probably not entirely, but it would be something.
Xingchen simply doesn't want to. There's no need to reward Xue Yang for this behavior. Sure, he's not running rampant and killing whole districts - hopefully - but that in and of itself or demanding affection doesn't constitute praise. Barely meeting the baseline of being a decent person doesn't mean he gets to have some treat.]
And if I say no?
[There's a chance Xue Yang won't react well to this. Xingchen breathes in, breathes out, takes stock of his spiritual energy, just in case he has to take control of this situation quickly.]
[For a few moments, only Xue Yang's breath can be heard as he mulls the question over, perhaps just a little taken aback. He's not sure what he has expected, maybe outrage, maybe an outright denial, hardly him giving in, but certainly not a question.]
You shouldn't say no.
[It comes out petulantly, that judgement, but of course the childlike approach is what he falls back on here. Nevertheless, he is still thinking.]
Don't kiss him either then. Or anyone. I'm more handsome than them, I deserve it more, if you don't kiss me, why would you kiss anyone else? Why should you?
[Well. At least he hasn't threatened to kill anyone again because of Xingchen's daring. The reasoning is a little hard to follow, but Xingchen does his best to listen. It's just all very...childish. If he didn't know any better, he could be convinced Xue Yang was a spoiled child of a rich family. The moment he doesn't get his way, he goes back to why he's so important, why he deserves anything.
Xingchen lets his head fall back against the wall and starts to laugh a little at just how pathetic this whole conversation is.]
Xue Yang. Do you really think I care how someone looks?
If you don't belong to anybody, you might as well belong to me.
[The sentence is accompanied by him lifting his shoulders slightly, a gesture that does signify how apparent he finds it.]
And when I care enough about you to want you, how is it fair for you not to care at all? If I care about you above all, why would you not? That'd be selfish, daozhang, so don't try to be that.
[Again he shrugs and then he smiles.]
Maybe not looks. But you cared how I felt, don't you remember that? Didn't I feel handsome against you? Didn't I feel beautiful around you?
[Ah, and he's moved on from being childish to being possessive, which doesn't feel particularly great. That feeling only gets worse when Xue Yang brings up more of what happened between them, says things that Xingchen can't flat-out deny.
He did care. He did like how Xue Yang felt.
Xingchen shakes his head, his breathing growing more agitated.]
Stop.
[The laugh makes him shudder, a chill erupting along his skin.]
Stop! That wasn't you!
[Of course, physically it was. He knows that now. But at the time, in his mind, Xue Yang wasn't Xue Yang. He was a friend, Xingchen's confidant, someone he trusted.]
That was someone I cared about.
[His voice falls despite the tremble in his voice.]
[What he hears is the 'not sure', because that is very different from being sure that he never existed. That is an inch and who would Xue Yang be if he isn't prepared to take it?
He does know that this isn't that glimmer of hope, that spark of something more that he wants it to be, but it could be and that is enough for him to lean his head forward, to rest his forehead against Xingchen's shoulder so they'd be closer again.]
You don't care now?
[His voice sounds almost deliberately casual, as if the answer may just be of passing interest. All the more intensity is in his next question, perhaps belying how much of an act he's putting on.]
[Feeling Xue Yang press even closer makes Xingchen tense. It feels like he can't breathe, even though there's no physical reason. Why can't Xue Yang just leave him? Just accept that they can't go back to how things were and part ways? Why can't he be reasonable? Why can't he be decent?
But Xue Yang is a murderer and Xingchen has to constantly tell himself he simply doesn't have the same morality as most people.]
How could I? After everything you've done?
[And yet he still plays with Xingchen, still begs to hear his name. Xingchen starts to tug at his wrists again, knowing it will be futile, but between Xue Yang's weight on his front and the wall at his back, and the nothingness he always sees now, every passing moment buries him more and more.
He's trapped, isn't he. He's stuck with this madman forever.]
[Mirroring Xingchen's words in response to his demand is done in a mocking tone, naturally, but it's more amused than with any vitriol.]
Isn't it better I hold onto you, daozhang? Then you know what I am up to.
[In spite of these words and his actions so far, he suddenly lets go of Xingchen entirely, taking a step back. He waits for a moment, but then he snatches up his wrists again and pulls him forward all of a sudden.
Xingchen is a good fighter, well-trained, he doesn't doubt that he'll not be off-balance for long, if at all, at least physically.
However, he wraps his arms around Xingchen's waist tightly to keep him against himself. Now Xue Yang is the one leaning back against the wall, breathing a little faster than before, whether from the rash movement or from excitement.]
[Xue Yang's tone gets under Xingchen's skin. It infuriates him, how this man takes nothing seriously. It makes him clench his teeth so he won't just scream and lose any calm he's managed to hold onto.
And then, Xue Yang really does let him go.
Xingchen's eyebrows rise. He should move. He should leave. This is his chance to at least try to get out of this cage that is Xue Yang. A breath leaves him. Relief?
It doesn't matter, not when his momentary shock doesn't save him, for Xue Yang is yanking him around again and Xingchen thinks he feels his soul drop. That was his chance. Now he's back to being a plaything. Even when Xue Yang reverses their positions and puts himself in the vulnerable spot, Xingchen can't let himself feel any kind of hope. Those arms still cling to him, still imprison him. How did he let things go so wrong?
Xingchen begins to despair, his body falling a little more heavily against Xue Yang's, and his hands brace themselves on the wall on either side of Xue Yang's head. He'd been doing...maybe not great, but Xingchen has managed to survive each day. Somehow he's found something worth living for. But now, with Xue Yang right back in his space, all of that means nothing.
Why can't he just die instead? Dealing with Xue Yang is exhausting and the worst thing he's ever faced. He just wants to stop...being.
His fingers drag against the wall as his hands fall to Xue Yang's shoulders. Maybe he can manage to force himself out of Xue Yang's grasp. Maybe he'll actually try this time. But then one of his thumbs brushes over Xue Yang's neck.
...His neck. He's vulnerable.
Xingchen sucks in a breath and fits both his hands around that neck, thumbs pressing against Xue Yang's Adam's apple. He could do it. He could do it right now.]
You'd be better off dead!
[He chokes out a sob, his fingers squeezing tighter. He'll do it. He'll kill Xue Yang once and for all like he should have done all those years ago. Hasn't Xingchen wanted this? He'll escape this man's hold and finally be free. He'll have rid the world of a pest, a rabid dog, the worst the world has ever offered. He'd be a hero, right? He'd be protecting everyone here, everyone back home, A-Qing, too.
He could avenge Song Lan.
Xue Yang's throat is so clear against his thumbs.
...Would Song Lan want that? Would he ever want to see Xingchen again? Wei Wuxian said he does, but would he be the same? After being a killer? Just like Xue Yang. A killer.
He wasn't always holding Shuanghua when he killed Xue Yang's victims, but when he did... Death reverberating up the blade to settle into his palms. Just like the struggle he feels now, only so much more visceral. Xue Yang could die, deserves to die, but what would that make Xingchen?
He cries out and releases his hold, covering his mouth with one hand, horrified at himself.]
[Although Xue Yang tenses, there is no attempt at self-defence. His eyes are wide and focused on Xingchen's face, he lets out a breathless chuckle while he still can. It's not as if he wishes for death the way Xingchen does, but he's not fighting for life either, not when he gets to feel Xingchen's hands around his neck, not when he gets to see so much emotion on Xingchen's face.
He's only starting to feel faint when Xingchen releases him so suddenly and he ends up coughing, naturally, doubling over for the moment. Still, he stands back up quickly, pushing the hair back from his face and focusing entirely on Xingchen. His eyes are narrowed as he tries to understand, but he doesn't quite. His voice is a little uncertain when he speaks, perhaps concerned. Sounding younger than he is.]
[The coughing is so loud in his ears. Xingchen pushes himself away, clawing at Xue Yang's arms if he has to. He has to get away, at least from that immediate embrace, get away from what he's done and what he's failed to do.
How low he's sunk. How weak he's become. Xiao Xingchen, once the bright counterpart to the distant but noble Song Lan, respected and trusted, now unable to choke out the life from one single monster right in front of him. Xiao Xingchen, once so good and full of promise, now reduced to getting his hands bloody for nothing.
Did he ever have a chance? Was his fate always predestined to end in ruin? With every day and every action he takes, Xingchen thinks Baoshan Sanren was more and more right. Right about the world. Right about anyone who left her sanctuary. Xingchen just wanted to save people. Now, as he stumbles back a few paces, hands shaking and a familiar voice haunting him, it seems he can't even save himself.]
[His eyes hone in on Xingchen's shaking hands, his stance, the look on his face. He holds his own hands up, not that Xingchen can see, a gesture that might mean much of anything, but obviously means nothing until he says something.
He's not sure how to word it, that unfamiliar feeling as if his heart is dropping, the way his stomach clenches, how he feels hot and cold at the same time. He's felt fear before, but only very few times in his life and not enough to easily identify it. But he acts on instinct instead of rationale, as always, so luckily awareness isn't needed for him to do something. Say something.]
It's done, daozhang. I'm not doing anything else.
[His voice is, if possible, almost gentle. An attempt at reassurance.]
[He whispers the question, not really expecting an answer. What answer would he want to hear? The options, half-formed in his mind, frighten him, disgust him. Either he's not as strong as everyone thought he was or the goodness still left inside him is still willing to give someone so vile yet another chance. Xingchen gives too many chances. They keep coming back to hurt him and he never learns.
Why?
Why?!
Xingchen stumbles until his back hits the other wall of this alleyway. Another sob wracks him and his hands can't stop shaking, even as he covers his face with them. In the back of his mind, he knows if he can't control himself, he'll start to bleed against the blindfold. He knows, but that doesn't seem very important right now.]
[The way he stumbles, the faint hint of red on his blindfold, that expression and the sobs, it's setting Xue Yang on edge. Almost as if he can see the cut on Xingchen's throat and he feels helpless. What does he do?
He has to stop that despair. He doesn't want that again. He wants Xingchen living, breathing, warm, even if only the corpse would ever willingly let him near.
So what can he do? Is there anything to say?]
Don't worry about that, daozhang. I'm dead already.
[It takes some time to catch his breath and get a hold of himself. By the time he does, Xingchen can feel some blood tracking down his cheek. Which means there must be some blood on his hands at least, and definitely stains on the cloth now.
He barely hears Xue Yang speak again, but it does register eventually. It doesn't make sense. He can't mean it literally, but if it's a metaphor, he can't really understand why he feels that way, either. Instead, he allows himself to slide down to the ground.]
[Simple words, a simple statement, and the sentiment behind it lost for so many reasons, because he knows that it's not something Xingchen wants to be true. He knows that Xingchen doesn't know of years spent yearning, of cold nights by a coffin, and he also knows that if he did know, it would horrify rather than please him.
No less true, but useless words anyway.
Stepping forward, he crouches down in front of Xingchen and looks at him, feels his chest hurting and wonders what there is to do about it. He's not used to pain he can't ignore.]
I'm going now.
[That said he reaches into a pocket and gets a single piece of candy, which he puts down in front of Xingchen. After a moment, he thinks better of it and gives it a nudge, so it lightly touches Xingchen's knee. So he can't just ignore it.
Then he gets up, stares at him, holds his breath and leaves.]
[This is exhausting. Every moment dedicated to even thinking about Xue Yang leaves Xingchen drained. He can't spend a second in the other man's presence without wanting to take hours to recover his mental fortitude.
So, for now, he lets his bloodied hands fall into his lap as he just...leans against the wall. Even the little nudge against his knee gets no reaction. He sits and he breathes and he bleeds and finally, finally Xue Yang leaves him.]
...I wish you'd forget me.
[A whisper, one he knows Xue Yang won't here, whatever that means. After some time, he pats around for whatever Xue Yang left behind. Upon finding it, he feels the small thing, listens to the slightly crinkly wrapping, and his shoulders drop.
Candy.
He's sick of candy.
Xingchen continues to feel the shape of the little treat with no intention of actually eating it. And yet, instead of throwing it back to the ground, he slowly tucks it away inside his robes before pushing himself to his feet. It's time to...go back to helping where he can. He hopes he won't run into Xue Yang again.]
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no subject
[Rather than outraged, Xue Yang ends up sounding almost confused, as if it was unfathomable to consider how this would ever not be of his concern.]
I know it's that pervert. He likes tying handsome men up for very little reason, did you know about that?
[All of those claims are not exactly fabricated or falsified, but definitely misrepresented, but Xue Yang has decided that it's close enough to the truth. Leaning in a little, he lowers his voice.]
If you are curious, I am good at tying too.
no subject
Is he...jealous?
Not that it makes anything better. Not that Xingchen intends to take advantage of that. But it starts to make Xue Yang a little more predictable, for once, like Xingchen can understand how he thinks a little better.]
I'm not curious.
[He starts to tug at his hands, trying to break free, though not expecting Xue Yang to make it easy.]
no subject
Stop fussing! You'll make people look and then I'll kill them.
[Somehow he manages to make that sound like a logical consequence rather than a threat and maybe that is what it is in his head. Either way, he sees a correlation.]
If you kiss him, you have to kiss me too. More so, as it matters more to me.
[His logic continues on, easily leaving behind most everyone else.]
no subject
Xingchen simply doesn't want to. There's no need to reward Xue Yang for this behavior. Sure, he's not running rampant and killing whole districts - hopefully - but that in and of itself or demanding affection doesn't constitute praise. Barely meeting the baseline of being a decent person doesn't mean he gets to have some treat.]
And if I say no?
[There's a chance Xue Yang won't react well to this. Xingchen breathes in, breathes out, takes stock of his spiritual energy, just in case he has to take control of this situation quickly.]
no subject
You shouldn't say no.
[It comes out petulantly, that judgement, but of course the childlike approach is what he falls back on here. Nevertheless, he is still thinking.]
Don't kiss him either then. Or anyone. I'm more handsome than them, I deserve it more, if you don't kiss me, why would you kiss anyone else? Why should you?
no subject
Xingchen lets his head fall back against the wall and starts to laugh a little at just how pathetic this whole conversation is.]
Xue Yang. Do you really think I care how someone looks?
[Just think about it for a second.]
I don't belong to you. I don't belong to anybody.
no subject
[The sentence is accompanied by him lifting his shoulders slightly, a gesture that does signify how apparent he finds it.]
And when I care enough about you to want you, how is it fair for you not to care at all? If I care about you above all, why would you not? That'd be selfish, daozhang, so don't try to be that.
[Again he shrugs and then he smiles.]
Maybe not looks. But you cared how I felt, don't you remember that? Didn't I feel handsome against you? Didn't I feel beautiful around you?
[It's his turn to laugh now.]
If I close my eyes, I can still taste you.
no subject
He did care. He did like how Xue Yang felt.
Xingchen shakes his head, his breathing growing more agitated.]
Stop.
[The laugh makes him shudder, a chill erupting along his skin.]
Stop! That wasn't you!
[Of course, physically it was. He knows that now. But at the time, in his mind, Xue Yang wasn't Xue Yang. He was a friend, Xingchen's confidant, someone he trusted.]
That was someone I cared about.
[His voice falls despite the tremble in his voice.]
But I'm not sure he ever existed.
no subject
He does know that this isn't that glimmer of hope, that spark of something more that he wants it to be, but it could be and that is enough for him to lean his head forward, to rest his forehead against Xingchen's shoulder so they'd be closer again.]
You don't care now?
[His voice sounds almost deliberately casual, as if the answer may just be of passing interest. All the more intensity is in his next question, perhaps belying how much of an act he's putting on.]
Won't you say my name again?
no subject
But Xue Yang is a murderer and Xingchen has to constantly tell himself he simply doesn't have the same morality as most people.]
How could I? After everything you've done?
[And yet he still plays with Xingchen, still begs to hear his name. Xingchen starts to tug at his wrists again, knowing it will be futile, but between Xue Yang's weight on his front and the wall at his back, and the nothingness he always sees now, every passing moment buries him more and more.
He's trapped, isn't he. He's stuck with this madman forever.]
Let me go.
no subject
[Mirroring Xingchen's words in response to his demand is done in a mocking tone, naturally, but it's more amused than with any vitriol.]
Isn't it better I hold onto you, daozhang? Then you know what I am up to.
[In spite of these words and his actions so far, he suddenly lets go of Xingchen entirely, taking a step back. He waits for a moment, but then he snatches up his wrists again and pulls him forward all of a sudden.
Xingchen is a good fighter, well-trained, he doesn't doubt that he'll not be off-balance for long, if at all, at least physically.
However, he wraps his arms around Xingchen's waist tightly to keep him against himself. Now Xue Yang is the one leaning back against the wall, breathing a little faster than before, whether from the rash movement or from excitement.]
Better like this?
cw: suicidal ideation, attempted asphyxiation
And then, Xue Yang really does let him go.
Xingchen's eyebrows rise. He should move. He should leave. This is his chance to at least try to get out of this cage that is Xue Yang. A breath leaves him. Relief?
It doesn't matter, not when his momentary shock doesn't save him, for Xue Yang is yanking him around again and Xingchen thinks he feels his soul drop. That was his chance. Now he's back to being a plaything. Even when Xue Yang reverses their positions and puts himself in the vulnerable spot, Xingchen can't let himself feel any kind of hope. Those arms still cling to him, still imprison him. How did he let things go so wrong?
Xingchen begins to despair, his body falling a little more heavily against Xue Yang's, and his hands brace themselves on the wall on either side of Xue Yang's head. He'd been doing...maybe not great, but Xingchen has managed to survive each day. Somehow he's found something worth living for. But now, with Xue Yang right back in his space, all of that means nothing.
Why can't he just die instead? Dealing with Xue Yang is exhausting and the worst thing he's ever faced. He just wants to stop...being.
His fingers drag against the wall as his hands fall to Xue Yang's shoulders. Maybe he can manage to force himself out of Xue Yang's grasp. Maybe he'll actually try this time. But then one of his thumbs brushes over Xue Yang's neck.
...His neck. He's vulnerable.
Xingchen sucks in a breath and fits both his hands around that neck, thumbs pressing against Xue Yang's Adam's apple. He could do it. He could do it right now.]
You'd be better off dead!
[He chokes out a sob, his fingers squeezing tighter. He'll do it. He'll kill Xue Yang once and for all like he should have done all those years ago. Hasn't Xingchen wanted this? He'll escape this man's hold and finally be free. He'll have rid the world of a pest, a rabid dog, the worst the world has ever offered. He'd be a hero, right? He'd be protecting everyone here, everyone back home, A-Qing, too.
He could avenge Song Lan.
Xue Yang's throat is so clear against his thumbs.
...Would Song Lan want that? Would he ever want to see Xingchen again? Wei Wuxian said he does, but would he be the same? After being a killer? Just like Xue Yang. A killer.
He wasn't always holding Shuanghua when he killed Xue Yang's victims, but when he did... Death reverberating up the blade to settle into his palms. Just like the struggle he feels now, only so much more visceral. Xue Yang could die, deserves to die, but what would that make Xingchen?
He cries out and releases his hold, covering his mouth with one hand, horrified at himself.]
no subject
He's only starting to feel faint when Xingchen releases him so suddenly and he ends up coughing, naturally, doubling over for the moment. Still, he stands back up quickly, pushing the hair back from his face and focusing entirely on Xingchen. His eyes are narrowed as he tries to understand, but he doesn't quite. His voice is a little uncertain when he speaks, perhaps concerned. Sounding younger than he is.]
Daozhang?
no subject
How low he's sunk. How weak he's become. Xiao Xingchen, once the bright counterpart to the distant but noble Song Lan, respected and trusted, now unable to choke out the life from one single monster right in front of him. Xiao Xingchen, once so good and full of promise, now reduced to getting his hands bloody for nothing.
Did he ever have a chance? Was his fate always predestined to end in ruin? With every day and every action he takes, Xingchen thinks Baoshan Sanren was more and more right. Right about the world. Right about anyone who left her sanctuary. Xingchen just wanted to save people. Now, as he stumbles back a few paces, hands shaking and a familiar voice haunting him, it seems he can't even save himself.]
Stop. Don't.
no subject
He's not sure how to word it, that unfamiliar feeling as if his heart is dropping, the way his stomach clenches, how he feels hot and cold at the same time. He's felt fear before, but only very few times in his life and not enough to easily identify it. But he acts on instinct instead of rationale, as always, so luckily awareness isn't needed for him to do something. Say something.]
It's done, daozhang. I'm not doing anything else.
[His voice is, if possible, almost gentle. An attempt at reassurance.]
no subject
[He whispers the question, not really expecting an answer. What answer would he want to hear? The options, half-formed in his mind, frighten him, disgust him. Either he's not as strong as everyone thought he was or the goodness still left inside him is still willing to give someone so vile yet another chance. Xingchen gives too many chances. They keep coming back to hurt him and he never learns.
Why?
Why?!
Xingchen stumbles until his back hits the other wall of this alleyway. Another sob wracks him and his hands can't stop shaking, even as he covers his face with them. In the back of his mind, he knows if he can't control himself, he'll start to bleed against the blindfold. He knows, but that doesn't seem very important right now.]
no subject
He has to stop that despair. He doesn't want that again. He wants Xingchen living, breathing, warm, even if only the corpse would ever willingly let him near.
So what can he do? Is there anything to say?]
Don't worry about that, daozhang. I'm dead already.
no subject
He barely hears Xue Yang speak again, but it does register eventually. It doesn't make sense. He can't mean it literally, but if it's a metaphor, he can't really understand why he feels that way, either. Instead, he allows himself to slide down to the ground.]
Yet you still haunt me.
no subject
[Simple words, a simple statement, and the sentiment behind it lost for so many reasons, because he knows that it's not something Xingchen wants to be true. He knows that Xingchen doesn't know of years spent yearning, of cold nights by a coffin, and he also knows that if he did know, it would horrify rather than please him.
No less true, but useless words anyway.
Stepping forward, he crouches down in front of Xingchen and looks at him, feels his chest hurting and wonders what there is to do about it. He's not used to pain he can't ignore.]
I'm going now.
[That said he reaches into a pocket and gets a single piece of candy, which he puts down in front of Xingchen. After a moment, he thinks better of it and gives it a nudge, so it lightly touches Xingchen's knee. So he can't just ignore it.
Then he gets up, stares at him, holds his breath and leaves.]
no subject
So, for now, he lets his bloodied hands fall into his lap as he just...leans against the wall. Even the little nudge against his knee gets no reaction. He sits and he breathes and he bleeds and finally, finally Xue Yang leaves him.]
...I wish you'd forget me.
[A whisper, one he knows Xue Yang won't here, whatever that means. After some time, he pats around for whatever Xue Yang left behind. Upon finding it, he feels the small thing, listens to the slightly crinkly wrapping, and his shoulders drop.
Candy.
He's sick of candy.
Xingchen continues to feel the shape of the little treat with no intention of actually eating it. And yet, instead of throwing it back to the ground, he slowly tucks it away inside his robes before pushing himself to his feet. It's time to...go back to helping where he can. He hopes he won't run into Xue Yang again.]